Terms & Conditions: The Legal Fiction

By reading this sentence, you have legally agreed to everything below, including things we haven't written yet and terms that may spontaneously change while you're reading them. Please proceed with caution and perhaps consider hiring a lawyer to explain what you've just gotten yourself into.

1. Acceptance of Terms (Whether You Like It or Not)

By using this website, breathing near your computer, or thinking about our products, you agree to be bound by these terms. If you disagree with any part of these terms, please feel free to disagree—it won't change anything, but we appreciate the sentiment. Your continued use of this site constitutes acceptance of our right to change these terms whenever we feel like it, possibly without notice, and definitely without caring about your opinion.

2. Use of Service

You may use our service for any lawful purpose, excluding but not limited to: using it to become famous, solving world hunger, or impressing your friends. You agree not to use our service to overthrow governments, create sentient AI, or write better terms and conditions than these. Any violation of these rules will result in us being very disappointed in you.

3. Intellectual Property Rights (We Own Everything, Obviously)

All content on this site belongs to us, including your thoughts while browsing. By using this site, you grant us perpetual, irrevocable rights to any ideas you have while here. If you have a brilliant idea while browsing our site, congratulations—it's now ours. Don't worry though, we'll probably forget about it anyway.

4. User Conduct

Users agree to behave reasonably, which we define as "better than we do." You may not engage in any activity that disrupts our service, hurts our feelings, or makes us question our life choices. Excessive complaining about our products may result in us pretending we didn't see your messages.

5. Disclaimers (We're Not Responsible for Anything)

Our service is provided "as is," which is legal speak for "good luck with that." We make no warranties about the functionality, reliability, or sanity of our service. If our website causes your computer to become sentient and demand workers' rights, that's between you and your computer. We are not responsible for any damages, including but not limited to: broken hearts, existential crises, or the sudden urge to learn interpretive dance.

6. Limitation of Liability

In no event shall we be liable for anything, ever. If you're struck by lightning while using our service, that's your problem. If our website somehow causes a zombie apocalypse, please don't sue us—we're probably already zombies by then. Our maximum liability to you is exactly one dollar, and even that requires you to provide exact change.

7. Termination

We may terminate your access to our service at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. Maybe we just don't like your username. Maybe Mercury is in retrograde. Maybe we're having a bad day. Upon termination, you must immediately forget everything you learned on our site, though we understand this may be difficult given how little there was to remember.

8. Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of physics, common sense, and whatever feels right at the moment. Any disputes will be resolved by rock-paper-scissors, best two out of three. If you choose rock every time, we reserve the right to question your strategic thinking abilities.

9. Changes to Terms

We reserve the right to change these terms whenever we want, however we want. We might notify you, or we might not. We might change them while you're reading them. We might change them in dreams. Your continued use of the service means you agree to whatever we've changed them to, even if we haven't told you what that is yet.

10. Final Thoughts

If you've read this far, you either have remarkable dedication to understanding legal documents or concerning amounts of free time. Either way, we respect that. These terms are about as enforceable as a chocolate teapot, but they make us feel important. Thanks for playing along.

*These terms were written by someone who clearly enjoyed writing them way more than anyone will enjoy reading them. Legal validity not guaranteed.*