Privacy Policy: The Art of Knowing Nothing
This privacy policy explains how we collect, use, and protect your personal information, assuming we figure out how to do any of those things properly. We take your privacy seriously, which is why we've written this document that nobody will read to explain policies that we're still making up as we go along.
Information We Collect (Accidentally)
We collect various types of information about you, including but not limited to: your name, email address, shopping preferences, browsing habits, favorite color, childhood fears, and the name of your first pet. We also accidentally collect information about what you had for breakfast, though we're not sure why our system does that or how to make it stop. Sometimes we collect information we didn't even know we were collecting, which surprises us as much as it probably surprises you.
How We Use Your Information
We use your information to:
- Provide you with our services (when they work)
- Send you marketing emails until you unsubscribe (and sometimes after)
- Improve our website by guessing what you might want
- Comply with legal requirements we may or may not understand
- Feed our office cat (this might not be related to your data, but the cat insists)
- Create targeted advertising that's so off-target it's almost impressive
- Generate reports that nobody reads but make us feel productive
Data Sharing (The Awkward Part)
We promise not to sell your data to anyone unless they offer us a really good deal. We may share your information with third parties including our payment processors, shipping partners, the government (if they ask nicely), and occasionally with our competitors by accident when we send emails to the wrong mailing list. We also share aggregated, anonymized data with researchers studying the declining attention spans of internet users.
Cookies and Tracking (The Digital Breadcrumbs)
Our website uses cookies, not the delicious kind but the digital ones that follow you around the internet. These cookies help us remember who you are, what you like, and where you've been on our site. We also use tracking pixels, which are like digital Post-it notes that stick to your browser. Some of these cookies are essential, others are just nosy. You can disable cookies in your browser, but then our website might forget who you are and treat you like a stranger at a party.
Data Security (Our Noble Attempt)
We protect your data using industry-standard security measures, which is business speak for "we installed some software and hope it works." Our security measures include encryption, firewalls, secure servers, and a very aggressive security guard (actually just the office cat, but it's surprisingly effective). While we cannot guarantee absolute security, we can guarantee that we'll be just as surprised as you if something goes wrong.
Your Rights (The Fine Print)
Under various privacy laws, you have the right to:
- Access your personal data (once we find it)
- Correct inaccurate information (assuming we can figure out what's wrong)
- Delete your data (the "right to be forgotten," though we might forget to forget)
- Object to processing (we might object to your objection)
- Data portability (we'll pack your data in a nice digital suitcase)
- Withdraw consent (though we might cry a little)
International Data Transfers
Your data may be transferred to and processed in countries other than your own, including countries with different privacy laws or no privacy laws at all. We ensure these transfers comply with applicable regulations by crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. If your data ends up somewhere unexpected, consider it a free digital vacation.
Changes to This Policy
We may update this privacy policy from time to time, usually when someone points out something we forgot or when new laws require us to pretend we understand them. We'll notify you of significant changes by email, website banner, or interpretive dance, depending on our mood and budget. Continued use of our services after changes means you accept the new policy, even if you didn't read it.
Contact Us (If You Dare)
If you have questions about this privacy policy, want to exercise your rights, or just want to chat about data protection over coffee, you can contact us at privacy@definitely-real-commerce.example. We promise to respond within a reasonable time, which we define as "eventually, maybe."
*This privacy policy was written by someone who clearly spent too much time thinking about data protection and not enough time thinking about readability. Your privacy matters to us, even if our policy suggests otherwise.*
Last updated: Sometime recently, or maybe not. Time is a construct anyway.